When a movie is on TV at a time when easily influenced children can watch it, it is not unusual for the cable censors to come in and tweak some of the more colourful dialogue. It has a good track record of failing every time and resulting in strange non-sequiturs and gibberish dialogue. We’ve compiled some of our favourites and asked you on Twitter what you think the best ones are.
“Yippee ki yay, Mr. Falcon”
Considering this is McClane’s catchphrase, it is a shame that this edit didn’t follow him through all the movies (the next Die Hard changed it to Yippee Ki Yay, my friend). Fingers crossed that the next Die Hard features a Blofeld-esque character who has been pulling all the strings the whole time and his name is Mr. Falcon.
“How’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pineapple?”
It’s not even the same amount of syllables so it doesn’t match the movement of the actors’ mouths, never mind the fact it doesn’t make sense. It does fit with Al Pacino’s reply, “How am I going to get a scar eating pussy/pineapple?” Unfortunately, Al, neither is ever explained.
The Big Lebowski
“Do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?”
Utter nonsense. Someone in the censorship meeting either came up with this instantly or they spent weeks brainstorming until someone said, ‘Hold guys, I’ve got it.’ and everyone else was so tired from brainstorming they just said, ‘Whatever, Chaz, just chuck it in.’
Snakes on a Plane
“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane”
My editor wouldn’t allow me to post a link to just a YouTube video of me laughing until I couldn’t breathe, so I’ll try and pull this one apart. If memory serves, there are no monkeys in this movie and if there are, they most certainly are not on the plane fighting the snakes, otherwise the title would need to be Monkeys and Snakes on a Plane. Secondly, and perhaps I’m being ignorant, but what is a Monday-to-Friday plane? Is it a plane that travels in the sky for a week? A plane that takes the weekends off? Or a plane that can punch a hole in time and literally travel from Monday to Friday as though these two days were actually locations on a map? If that last one is the case, then focusing your movie on snakes was a bad idea.
The Usual Suspects
“Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother”
Whether you enjoy The Usual Suspects or think it’s overrated, the line up scene is still fantastic cinema. Five dangerous men are lined up and forced to read a card containing the only words heard during a recent robbery. The scene, which begins full of tension, collapses instantly as the five men begin to crack up while giving their readings of the card. It is a great scene which set ups the team these men will eventually form. However, if you change the words on the card to fairy tale nonsense, the scene loses 1000% of its original charm and becomes a confusing glimpse into a R-rated Cinderella remake about criminals trying to rob a Fairy Godmother, which actually sounds pretty good.
Featured Image: Spelling Films International/Gramercy Pictures/ PolyGram Filmed Entertainment