Rules, Introductions, etc.
Catch up, foo’. Shizabout to go dooooown.
Round 2 Results
Final Four – FIGHT!
The Fight: Achilles is angry, determined, pissed off on an existential level that none of us can understand. The Rock’s version of Hercules probably stands a little bit shorter than that first big bastard in Troy; you know, the one Achilles kills by leaping into the air and shoving his sword into his colon via his neck? And there’s another thing to consider when calculating Achilles’ chances against Hercules. Achilles has–
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ACHILLES HAS, YOU JABRONIS!” C’mon. The Rock may be the most impressive physical specimen in the history of our planet, not just movies. As of the writing of this article, I haven’t seen the movie, but my jaw has dropped at the trailer (I’ll be watching the movie tonight; look for the review in the morning). I just can’t bet against this guy here. I admire Brad Pitt’s strength, his intensity, and most of all his glorious mane of hair, but you know who else had all of those things? That lion jumping on Hercules in the movie trailer. And Hercules skinned that sucker and wore his pelt to his next deed.
Conclusion: Achilles might have more luck finding the fight he’s looking for in the afterlife. Hercules drops a people’s elbow and moves on to await his opponent in the Finals.
The Fight: Because of Thor’s hammer, he’s been flying through the first few rounds without much of a challenge, but here’s where things get interesting. The hammer can only be lifted by someone pure of heart, right? Well, remember at the end of Gladiator when Maximus martyrs himself and walks into the Irish Spring commercial that is presumably meant to be heaven? They don’t stop him at the gate to check the invite list! No one even checks his I.D.! Maximus is apparently pretty damn pure of heart himself. The hammer effect may be voided out here. They might just be tossing that big thing back and forth. So, while this is another one of those fights where I could listen to the pre-game smack talk for hours (Maximus’ cold, even matter-of-fact presentation of doom vs. Thor’s ready-to-narrate-50-Shades-of-Gray voice), it might come down to straight up fisticuffs. And, in reviewing the film (in my imagination; I didn’t watch all these movies this week because I have a life), it becomes evident that Maximus relies on his weapons a little more than Thor. In a fist fight, the guy with the divine blood and muscle structure has more force to throw around.
The Conclusion: Maximus gets his second family reunion. Stark, Banner, Captain America, and Hawkeye show up at the final match with Thor’s name painted on their chest.
Final Round – FINISH HIM!
Let’s do this right.
Chris Hemsworth (before production on Rush)– Height: 6’3″ Weight: 239 pounds
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (in his WWF Days): Height: 6’5″ Weight: 260 pounds
A heavy-weight battle, no doubt, but let’s not kid ourselves. The Rock is straight BIG. He’s bigger now than he was in his wrestling days. That’s a significant size advantage that doesn’t measure well for the Avengers’ secret weapon. It has to be intimidating to go up against someone whose legend details the completion of those 12 seemingly insurmountable tasks. Hercules has killed man, beast, and monster just to get to Mt. Olympus. When that body, shaped by that legend stands in front of you, how do convince yourself that you have a chance?
Here’s one way: spend your eternal life fighting your brother, who is also a god, and then make The Incredible Hulk your sparring partner. The other fools in this tournament have accomplished a lot, no question, but Thor’s just like “Cool story, bro” (when you’re infinite, you fall behind on what jokes are current). This was never fair. Letting Thor in this tournament was like letting the Number 3 Dale Earnhardt car into an old-school chariot race.
You knew it from the beginning. Thor Wins. Because Marvel wins everything these days.