Intro

So, as I wind down this educational path I’m on, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to seek some guidance for my next few steps in life (or at least, that’s what my parole officer suggested).  I scheduled an appointment with my college adviser last week and he sat me down and presented it to me plainly.  “Travis, you’ve got to find the future that works best for you.”  The advice hit me hard, but I realized:  he’s got a great point.  I don’t know if we’re on the same page, though… But, here’s how I see my options.

Planet of the Apes

Description: The year is 3978 and a spaceship containing a few humans, in hibernation, lands on a mysterious planet. Through their explorations they find that it is inhabited by apes that function with eerie similarity to modern humans.

Consideration: A post-apocalyptic Earth ran by apes. Hmmm. I apologize for the spoiler but it is necessary for my future.  A prequel (Rise of the Planet of the Apes) has recently been released, probably for the sole purpose of helping me understand this future. This one doesn’t need much explanation. Evolutionarily advanced apes can talk and function. Humans are slaves and experiments.  I feel like history has played this movie before. (Sorry, Christian fundies!)

Maybe if I had a few dri-  Nevermind.  Pass.

Maybe if I had a few dri- Nevermind. Pass.

Conclusion: Count me out. Don’t point your fingers at James Franco because if this future starts unfolding, it’s no one’s fault but Tim Burton’s.

The Matrix

Description:  In a future where humans are harvested for energy and machines have taken rule, Morpheus leads a group of rebels trying to gain back control of the real world.

Consideration: This is the coolest futuristic setting on this list. Well, sort of.  The matrix is a really cool place because it’s right now.  It’s what we’re in. But everything outside of that, in the real real world, sucks. We’re actually being harvested for energy.  Flying machines are threatening the only humans left awake and they have to stay under ground.  What a load of shit.

Well, I have gorgeous hair so, already... NEXT!

Well, I have gorgeous hair so… NEXT!

Conclusion:  I’m fine with the extended nap.  I’m taking the blue pill.

I am Legend

Description:  After a botched attempt at curing cancer, a deadly airborne virus breaks out. Only a select few are not immune. The rest become powerful beings that want nothing more than to feast on any meal available.

Consideration: This is possibly the scariest future on this list, but it has upside. Complete isolation without having to deal with anyone sounds good for the most part. Hunting deer in downtown New York?  Well, I’m from Appalachia.  That’s not a bad time. Doing whatever you want at any time in a city with tons to offer? I could live with that, too. Even fighting off the infected might prove to be a fun hobby. And hey, technically, it’s a world cured of cancer!

"Goddamit.  The brochure said I'd have alone time."

“Goddamit. The brochure said I’d have alone time.”

Conclusion: Picture it.  The lonely nights filled with monster screams.   Some idiot straggler breaking in your house and cooking you goddamn bacon. I want my isolation to be complete.  Gonna have to say “Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na, Gettin jiggy wit’ [the next pick].”

Children of Men

Description: Women are infertile.  Shit’s falling apart.

Consideration: Not much to complain about here except there is virtually no chance of  starting a family.  The world is grimy, and the culture is dying.  That’s a bit weird. But outside of that, there is a zero percent chance of pregnancy scares.  Having a beer or two with a cracked out Michael Caine wouldn’t be a bad time either.

"Can't get pregnant" is still not a good pick-up line.

“Can’t get pregnant” is still not a good pick-up line.

Conclusion:  It just hit me.  If women can’t get stressed about “When are you going to be ready to start a family?!” then what the hell are they going to find to be upset about?  That’s a scary thought.  I’m going to have to shelve this one.

Gattaca

Description:  A future in which social status and all means of employment are dictated by DNA analysis.

Consideration:  Depending on when and to whom I was born, this future has its ups and downs.   Humans can be genetically enhanced from birth to be whatever their parents desire. (But I’m not going to lie.  My dad donated out some sweet DNA on a lucky shot anyway.) But your readout basically tells you when you’re going to die.  And hitting on women is obsolete because they can just steal a piece of hair to call your bluff. But, you can cheat the system. I am torn on this one.

"Wait you're going to die in your thirties?!  Well, that gives adequate time for a second trophy."

“Wait you’re going to die in your thirties?! Well, that gives adequate time for a second trophy.”

Conclusion: Maybe.  But, I’m not too keen on people being able to select the greatness I won in a DNA lottery.

Pacific Rim

Description:  Giant monsters are coming through… a dimension portal? I don’t know.  I just want to pilot a giant robot and fight them.

Consideration: If you look at it from the perspective of being a Jaeger pilot (which, come on, I would be) this might be the badass future I’ve been waiting on. Imagine! Piloting a Jaeger against the Kaiju. I’d be basically a combination of a rock star and a marine, and I’d probably be all up on that really hot Asian woman who is also a badass Jaeger pilot. This is the ultimate anime fanboy’s dream. Think back to your Gundam Wing and Neon Genesis Evangelion days.  Now imagine that’s me.

"Shit.  Who else would I drift with?"

“Shit. Who else would I drift with?”

Conclusion:  I love my brother.  This is great, but not worth that price.

Equilibrium

Description:  Feelings are outlawed.  Can’t feel feels!

Consideration: I know what you’re thinking.  Emotions being illegal would suck.  So would a shitty tyrannical government.   But what if I have the chance to be a Grammaton Cleric, AKA a straight badass that overthrows that shitty government?! Gun Kata is the best fighting style since Ip Man brought us Wing Chun. And I’m ’bout to start a revolution wit’ it!

"Don't smile. Don't smile.  Dontsmiledontsmiledontsmiledontsmile."

“Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Dontsmiledontsmiledontsmiledontsmile.”

Conclusion:  I want to be a Grammaton Cleric.  This is my future. It is turtles all the way down.  Law Enforcement! My parole officer is going to love this.