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Grace Porter

DO NOT APPROACH

Left: Most recent photo of suspect known as Grace. Right: Computer animation displaying simulated aging. She's grown angry. And maybe has glasses. Pretty much the same, though.

Left: Most recent photo of suspect known as Grace. Right: Computer animation displaying simulated aging. She’s grown angry. And maybe has glasses. Pretty much the same, though.

 

Known Aliases:  Grace, Amazing Grace, G-Money, G-Ewe-net, G-Mommy, G-Funk, G-Thang, G-Poppin’, G-Spot, and Hollaback Girl.

Age:  Unknown.

Height:  Varies.

Place of Birth:  Parts Unknown

Weight:  The last guy to ask is dead.  From a coronary (probably coincidence).

Known Weapons:  Crutches.  Two of them.

Offenses Include: 

  1. Siding with horror film villains.
  2. Uncontrollable eye rolling and guffawing in bad films.
  3. Excessive vulgarity.
  4. Bedding lead Hollywood actors and robbing them of their money and talent.  Victims include:
  • Billy Bob Thorton
  • Michael Cera
  • Mark Wahlberg
  • Johnny Depp (When he was just 14.  So suspect is to blame for every single one of his shitty movies.  That’s all of them).

Suspect Last Seen:  On the West Coast at several Coen Brother premieres.  She does not miss them.

Suspect Last Seen Drinking:  Better beer than you.  Suck it, East Coast.

Latest Information:  Authorities have no leads and you definitely can not reach her here:  Grace@audienceseverywhere.net