As if 2000 wasn’t a difficult enough year, with starting a brand new century and recovering from the irrational Y2K fear. While my parents were still looking for all the money they had hidden under their mattresses, I was drying my pubescent tears with my Emma Bunton beach towel over the devastation that was the imminent breakup of The Spice Girls.
Although Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell) abruptly left the group in 1998, it wasn’t until November 20, 2000 when Mel C. announced that she too was going her own way when the group’s destruction seemed inevitable. And inevitable it was, because they didn’t even stick it out through the end of the year after Sporty Spice bounced her way out the door. The close of 2015 brings the realization that it’s been 15 years since the world of spice crumbled, and we 90s teeny boppers sometimes still find ourselves mourning the loss of our favorite spice. You know you had one. I was Baby Spice, through and through.
This year, rumors abound that Scary, Sporty, Ginger, and Baby might be reuniting in 2016 without Posh (gasp!) to do a celebration tour of the 20th anniversary of the release of their single Wannabe, but those whispers haven’t amounted to anything concrete. So as we sit here in our platform tennis shoes, wondering what happened to “friendship never ends”, sighing at the broken promises of “Viva Forever” and questioning if anything good really lasts in this world, I come to you with the ultimate mix tape.
Looking back, Spice Girls lyrics taught me so many things about relationships, and it’s only fair that I pass them along now as we gather together in remembrance. Here are five of the most important things I learned:
Cut Them Loose if They Don’t Know How to Dougie (If You Can’t Dance)
This song is a great reminder that maybe your ex just didn’t have the right moves to keep you happy, and that’s plenty of reason to cut someone loose. If they can’t move to a beat, they’re obviously lacking in other departments that are vital in a relationship. In the words of the girls, “If you can’t dance to this, you can’t do nothing for me baby.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, even if I made it grammatically correct.
What Kind of Lover Doesn’t Want to Get with Your Friends? (Wannabe)
When it comes right down to it, do any of us really have time to waste on a partner who isn’t up for an open relationship? “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,” just lays out all the requirements on the table. Take it or leave it. And, well, if he wouldn’t get with your friends, and especially if he really bugged you, then you should just say goodbye.
Booty Calls > Romance (Weekend Love)
Why would someone want to fall in love and have a life partner and full time commitment when they could just Netflix and chill on the weekends? Is that too much to ask? Weekdays are pretty busy, and the last thing anyone would want is come home and the end of a stressful day to someone who wants to have a real relationship.
Men Should Always Be Exactly Where You Tell Them (Say You’ll Be There)
You know the phrase “…have your cake and eat it too?” Well I learned from the Spice Girls that it’s perfectly acceptable to expect someone to wait around while I figure out what I want while also not allowing them to move on. When it comes right down to it, the most important thing is for your significant other to be available at the exact time and place you require. That’s why they invented the terms like “arm candy” and “trophy wife,” right?
Okay, so maybe it’s not the best idea to look back on the Spice Girls and their lyricism as a guide book for romantic endeavors, but they really are truly missed. Those ladies knew how to throw down a sick beat, belt some catchy hooks, and make girls feel like they could conquer the world. After all shouldn’t be sad that it’s over, we should be happy that it happened, right? So instead of mourning my pigtails and platforms, I’m going to pop in my copy of Spice World the movie and proceed to slam it to the left, shake it to the right, and try not to think about what the rest of the lyrics to my favorite song actually mean.
Peace, love, and girl power.