Overview: The makers of Independence Day take a huge shit on a franchise. Tristar Pictures. 1998. PG-13. 139 minutes.

Little More Overview: This fucking movie. Let me tell you, friends, in life you face obstacles and ordeals. That’s natural. But every once in a while, something comes along that just decides to ruin everything good about your childhood. Enter Godzilla (1998). The movie made to just hurt everyone’s feelings.

Godzilla 98 dama

In the Director’s Cut, Godzilla leaves giant apology letters written on his own giant stationary.

The Few and Far Between Good Points: Godzilla is such an action fest with no substance that I wouldn’t be surprised if Michael Bay jerks off to it every night before cuddling with the Bad Boys Blu-ray. The action is somewhat solid, I guess, and the effects are good for the time (though, seriously, how does Jurassic Park, which arrived five years earlier, have better computer generated effects?). Yeah, that’s about all I got for positives.

Taking the “God” Out of Godzilla: God, this movie is awful! Who honestly sat down and said, “You know Godzilla? That invincible juggernaut from the early fifties? Yeah let’s turn him into a tuna-eating, mutated iguana that is nothing like the original.” This monster is a straight wimp—running away from the military, never directly engaging with opposing forces. At one point, Godzilla backs down because he gets shocked by a light post! The original Godzilla was shocked by 10,000 volts and pretty much laughed about it. Yeah, this is disgraceful.

The Acting. God the Acting: Why would anyone make an action summer blockbuster with Matthew Broderick as the lead? He treats the chaos the same way I would watch a Cleveland Browns game – with stone face fucking boredom. But the worst offender is Maria Pitillo. Her character, Audrey, has the most unclear bullshit motivations for half the shit she does. Ohhhh, she wants to be a reporter but she wants to win back Matthew Broderick. What will she choose? By the way, this conflict is apparently more important than the irradiated iguana trashing New York.

And can we talk about the physics of the monster for a second?  For a fifty meter behemoth, this boy can run it like Chris Brown in his non-woman-beating prime. At one point he outruns three Mach 3 helicopters chasing him. Whaaaaat?

Wrapping it up: Don’t watch this. It’s a blight on cinema history. If it was just a generic monster movie, well, it would still be a terrible one. Roland Emmerich took one of the most important monsters in film and degraded it to a cheap Jurassic Park leftover. I’d personally rather watch Carnosaur 2. It’s that bad. Go watch the original Gojira.  Remember that story, that portrayal, and then watch this. It’ll hurt your pride, your sense of cinema, and most of all, your feelings.

Rating: F