thor

Marvel Studios

Ever since I saw Thor, and subsequently that photo of him holding his infant daughter carefully in his large, muscular arms, I have been a Chris Hemsworth fan. Not only can he wield that hammer authoritatively, he can hold babies attractively, too. What role wouldn’t I love Chris in? But, for the sake of time, here are five (hypothetical) roles I’d love for Mr. Hemsworth to play.

Christoph from Frozen

Kristof

The only way to make Chris Hemsworth more attractive (apart from providing him with a newborn to hold) is to make him the co-adventurer of a determined young woman, and put him in some furs, and give him a loyal reindeer to talk to. Cast Chris Hemsworth as Christoph in the live/stage production of Frozen, and small girls everywhere will dream of a hunky friend to support them as an equal partner while they make their way through the trials of life.

Tarzan from… Tarzan

Here, I am not suggesting Chris be cast in the live action version of the Disney film, but as the lead in a completely separate standalone Tarzan film (which is supposedly coming in 2016, but with Alexander Skarsgard as Tarzan**). Imagine you are exploring what you believe to be an uninhabited jungle, and then happen upon a wild man raised by apes! Alarming, right? Now imagine the wild man has Chris Hemsworth’s sparkling blue eyes. [Imagine here]. I rest my case. Chris Hemsworth as Tarzan = box office gold.

**Of course, if this new Tarzan film intends to stick to Edgar Rice Burroughs’ original aesthetic (for lack of a better term), then perhaps Skarsgard is the right choice. In my imagined Tarzan movie, nobody rips out anyone else’s jugular with their teeth. Burroughs’ novels are more violent and “grittier” than the popular idea of Tarzan, and while I believe Hemsworth would do well as the romanticized Tarzan, I don’t want to see him disemboweling anyone…

Alvy from Annie Hall

Alvy

United Artists

Okay, this one is hypothetical in the sense that it will never happen. But what if it did? What if Chris Hemsworth played Woody Allen’s Alvy, a neurotic mess of a man wrapped up in his own neuroses and picking apart a failed relationship. Am I the only one entertained by the thought? He’s been unable (unwilling?) to break out of the superhero/action hero role, such that now I can’t think of him as anything else. So, when I imagine Chris Hemsworth as Alvy, I imagine THOR as Alvy… which is pretty darn funny.

The Guy Who Shows Up When I Have Car Trouble 

the-mechanic

CBS Films

Invariably, when I pull over and pop my hood (or simply look exasperated in the vicinity of my vehicle), a man appears at my elbow, saying, “Car trouble?” This man is never Chris Hemsworth. Just once, I’d like it to be.  This past Friday, it was a very nice man who happened to be picking blackberries nearby, and who also used to work at an auto parts store (seriously, I lead a charmed life). Truthfully, though, I didn’t need his help, and it would have turned the day around if it were Thor hunting blackberries in the woods that day when I pulled over and popped my hood. Oh well.

F’lar from Dragonflight

Dragonflight

Del Rey Books

Being a fan of sci-fi/fantasy novels featuring benevolent and sentient dragons, you have read all of Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern novels. You haven’t? Well, I’ll summarize (although I am shocked and saddened at the necessity):

In the murky future, a colony of humans leaves Earth to establish an agrarian society on a planet nick-named PERN – Parallels Earth, Resources Negligible. However, shortly after establishing their colony, its existence is threatened by an alien menace, “thread,” that falls from the sky and consumes all carbon-based life-forms it touches. The colonists struggle until they discover that an indigenous, fire-breathing species has evolved to where it can eat thread or burn it with its gaseous breath… and so, over time, the colony becomes a feudal society with one elite class: the dragonriders…

You’re ready to go see the movie, right? Well, you’re in luck! Warner Brothers recently bought the film rights from Anne McCaffrey’s estate, and at this early stage I’d like to put forward Chris Hemsworth for the role of F’lar, underdog, born leader and voice of reason, and most sought-after mate in the Weyr (place where dragons live).

I’m not kidding. My previous suggestions were hypothetical and, let’s be honest, not entirely serious. I’m pretty excited about the potential of this one, however, and I hope that, if he can’t play F’lar, Chris is at least cast as F’lar’s brother, F’nor. Please? Are you paying attention, Warner Bros.? Anyone?

…And there you have it. Five roles I’d like to see Chris Hemsworth play, if the world were my playground and I could make these things happen. Seriously, though: happy birthday, Chris Hemsworth! My list aside, may you land the roles you seek (and perhaps get me tickets to the Dragonflight premiere).