Over the past year, people all over the world have become intimately familiar with the verbal stylings of presidential candidate and bloated corpse that washed up on a beach, Donald Trump. For many (if not most) of us, this was not by choice. Barely a day has gone by since he announced his candidacy that the media hasn’t subjected us to some new soundbite or stump speech. His unique brand of communication is inescapable, to the point that I’ve unwillingly internalized it. Trump’s voice lives inside me now, like a coronary that only lets white blood cells flow past it. So, in an effort to bring a modicum of happiness back into the world, I’ve rewritten six beloved cinematic speeches in the voice of Donald Trump.

Independence Day

Alright, folks. In about an hour, we’re gonna have a lot of planes down here, from all sorts of countries, the best countries, and they’re gonna come here, and they’re gonna have the greatest—they’re telling me that it’ll be the single greatest air battle in history. How about that? You know, and I was talking to an Air Force general, who’s a close friend of mine, and he said, “Donald, you wouldn’t believe how great this fight is gonna be. Bigger than anything in the history of mankind.” And, you know, I love mankind, I’ve always said that I’ve loved mankind. And here we have all different people, coming together, taking our planet back, what’s better than that, am I right, folks?

So it’s the 4th of July, which is funny because, you know, the Founding Fathers, and were those some great heroes or what? They don’t make ‘em like that anymore, lemme tell you. They fought for stuff that, you know, you look at what we’re fighting for, and I gotta tell ya, I think George Washington and the rest of those guys, you know who they’d be voting for. That’s all I’m saying. And folks, you know, we have people from all over the world coming here tonight, and I have people telling me that all these countries are gonna start celebrating the 4th of July, they’re gonna celebrate this great American holiday, isn’t that something? Because today, today is the day, we’re gonna fight these aliens, and we’re just gonna knock the crap out of ‘em, lemme tell you. Is that how you wanna celebrate Independence Day, folks?

A Few Good Men

Alright, here we go, look at this guy. He couldn’t handle the truth if he tried, okay? Look, the world has walls, and it needs walls, everyone knows that. Walls keep us safe, and we’re gonna have the best wall, folks. And it’s gonna be guarded by the best guys, with the best guns, it’s gonna be terrific, just terrific. And, you know, Lieutenant Kaffee, Lieutenant Weinberg, I think you’re nice guys, but you’re very weak on the issue of walls. Very, very weak. I mean, you see these guys over here, “Oh, boo hoo hoo, Santiago is dead, those mean Marines killed him!” Our enemies are laughing at us when they see that. And hey, yeah, Santiago is dead, it’s sad, but guess what? He was a loser, everyone knew he was a loser, and, you know, people don’t wanna hear this, but we’re probably better off now that he’s gone, okay? That’s not “PC” to say, but that’s how it is.

And here’s something else, here’s something else. These guys, they know I’m right! They know Donald Trump is right! But they can’t say it, because their donors and their lobbyists tell them not to. They know I’m right about the wall, and when I’m President, they’ll see it. They’ll see it. Because I don’t take money from those people. People don’t pay me—they don’t tell me what to say, folks. I don’t have to stand here and listen to these very weak people tell me that I’m wrong, when they know it, and I know it, that I’m right.

MODERATOR: Sir, the question was, did you order the code red?

Well, you know, look, things happen sometimes, and hey, I run a very big company. Do I have control over every single thing that gets done? No. But do I think it was a bad decision? I don’t think it was totally a bad decision.

Hamlet

So all these people keep asking me, they say, “Donald, should I be or should I not be?” That’s the question. “Be or not be?” You know? Is it better to keep taking all this crap—you know, we have a president who thinks our country should just sit there and take it! And he’s just wrecking our country. Not me, folks. I know we need to take up arms against our enemies, and when we do that, let me tell you, it’ll be over very quick. Very quick. And people say, “Oh, killing is wrong, killing…” It’s just, you know, it’s like going to sleep. What’s the difference? It’s sleep. And by the way, it’s sleep where all the problems, they can’t hurt you. What’s so bad about that? Everyone wants that, am I right, folks?

I had a close friend of mine, he’s one of the leading experts on sleep in the country, and he said, “Donald, no one knows what happens after you die, doesn’t that worry you?” And I said, you know, I get what you’re saying. I do, I get it. You know, honestly, I think the only reason people don’t kill themselves, the only reason they keep putting up with their problems, is that exact reason. Some people are very cowardly, and it’s because these so-called “experts” keep telling them that they should be afraid of what might happen after they die. And it’s not just that! These people who have ruined our country, they tell us that our ideas are no good! Well, what do they know! And oh, terrific, someone’s telling me that Ophelia is here. Lovely woman, terrific woman, come on out here, Ophelia!

The Night of the Hunter

So, lemme tell ya, here’s how it is, folks. You’ve got, okay, you see my left hand here? Very strong, you can tell, very strong fingers, strong hand. You know, people say things about my hands, there’s no problem there, okay? So my left hand here, see the letters? Spells “hate,” see? And that’s because, you know, I love the Bible, you all love the Bible, don’t you folks? You know about Cain and Abel? Well, when Cain did what he did, he did it with his left hand. Left hand, see? So that’s the hater hand.

And now here’s my right hand, see the word “love,” everyone? I’m a lover, folks, you know, and people say, “Oh, Donald Trump is a bigot, he hates everyone,” it’s not true, okay? Not true. I saw this on the Internet yesterday, this is true, the right hand has veins that go straight to your heart. Did you know that? So the right hand is the love hand. And now look, you see how I make ‘em wrestle? Well, that’s the world, folks. Haters have been attacking me, when, you know, what did I do wrong, really? They look for any excuse, these people. Ridiculous. But you know what? These haters, they don’t even bother me. Pathetic. I win every time, see? Every time. And when I’m President, we’re gonna win so much, it’ll make your head spin.

There Will Be Blood

@realdonaldtrump: Pathetic Eli Sunday thinks he still has oil. Doesn’t realize I already drained it all up! Sad!

Blade Runner

The things I’ve seen? You wanna talk about—okay. Listen, here’s the thing. If I told you everything I’ve seen, you wouldn’t believe it. Absolutely unbelievable, what I’ve seen. Lemme give you one example. I was visiting one of my golf courses on the shoulder of Orion, beautiful course, and we’re on the eighth hole. I looked up at the sky, and there were these great big ships! These huge attack ships, and they were on fire! And those are the kind of ships, by the way, folks, if these Democrats get their way and they drain all the money from our military, you won’t see ships like that anymore. We won’t be able to make those great ships anymore. When Donald Trump is president, though? We’re gonna make ‘em even bigger. Trust me. Terrific ships.

You want another thing I’ve seen? Here’s one of my favorites, you’re gonna love this. I was giving a speech at the dedication of the Tannhäuser Gate. Lovely, just terrific gate. I didn’t build it, but, you know, and I’ve built many fantastic gates, by the way. This is just a great gate, folks. And after the speech, I go out to the balcony to talk to Jerry Tannhäuser, who’s been a good friend of mine for a long time. And he says, “Donald, you’ve gotta see this.” I look out, and there’s these C-beams, you know C-beams? There’s almost this light show going on with these beams. And, you know, Jerry actually passed away that same night, very sad.

And anyway, you know, they say I’m dying. That’s what they tell me. You know, you’re all very lucky to have heard those things I just said, because when Donald Trump is gone, you won’t hear stuff like that anymore. Let me tell you another one, this is a great one. I was at the— (choking noises, raspy breathing, silence). 

Featured Image: 20th Century Fox