Happy post-Thanksgiving weekend from me to all of you. By now you’ve all seen the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer a few dozen times. I’ve seen it hundreds more for science and for this trailer analysis. If you want to watch it again just click here. For now, here’s everything you need to know about the Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer, along with some supposed rumors that might make it easier to understand.

Important Note for fanboys: the Expanded Universe is no longer canon (minus Clone Wars and Rebels). Any similarities between the EU and the new trilogy is all coincidence.

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We open with an ominous voice over and an ocean of sand. Somewhere in the universe, Hayden Christensen just shit himself. The cinematography is reminiscent of the original trilogy, focusing on real sweeping landscapes instead of crowded CGI cities. Then one of the new leads pops into frame. John Boyega from Attack the Block looks beaten and exhausted. Probably from fighting some of those big alien gorilla wolf motherfuckers (You really need to watch Attack the Block).

AWAKEN

Moses vs the Sith. Kill ’em. Kill all dem fings.

I love how the trailer opens with a Storm Trooper and the acknowledgement that Clone Troopers were nonsense. I’m confused at people questioning why this character isn’t a clone. Like, do you actually want to remember the prequels? (If your problem with this is John Boyega being a black Storm Trooper, well… stop reading now and just seek counseling… or a calendar so you can remind yourself it’s 2014) The rumors surrounding Boyega’s character are that he is a Storm Trooper who abandons his post after (or before) being shot down and crash landing on the desert planet. The planet itself is more than likely Tattooine and that’s just fine. I’m sure we’ll be seeing many new worlds as the franchise continues.

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The rolling-ball droid is one my favorite addition to the Star Wars canon since the original films. I’m dead serious. The prequels were all terrible. The Expanded Universe is mostly terrible. There were plenty of games that ranged from good to great. But this rolling-ball droid… this is the future. It’s a perfect mix of new and old. The head is similar to R2D2’s but its movement is all new territory for droids. Since JJ Abrams and his go-to cinematographer often like swooping camera angles in their action scenes, I can already imagine this little guy ducking and zooming through laser beams. I want 100 of them. Just retitle it Star Wars: The Soccer Ball Awakens.

AWAKENS

 

And here we get our first look at the other Storm Troopers. Abrams definitely toned down the lens flare, probably to shut up people who wouldn’t stop complaining about them. The new Troopers look sleek and a little more pristine. After missing 99.98% of their shots in the prequel trilogy the Troopers have wisely added scopes. I bet they’ll still miss anyways. I wonder if piss poor vision is a requirement to join the Empire. I can’t tell what sort of environment the Troopers are entering but you don’t bring that many soldiers for a picnic.

Our first shots of Daisy Ridley! She’s clearly in a hurry to run away from something. She also seems to be located on the same desert planet that Boyega crash landed onto. Maybe this will be the opening confrontation between our new heroes and villains in an attempt to escape the planet. Before Ridley escapes on her giant popsicle she looks terrified. The rumored villains are supposed to be cyborg-like monstrosities that will stop at nothing to hunt down Jedi, called Inquisitors. They made their first appearance on the animated series Star Wars: Rebels. In the picture above, it looks like Ridley may have a lightsaber attatched to her speeder. Perhaps Ridley is a Jedi-in-training, leading the Inquisitors to hunt her down. That would definitely inspire a look of fear like Ridley has on her face here.

AWAKENSSSS

Cut to our first look at Oscar Isaac. I can’t tell if he’s been beaten or if that’s just some odd lighting on his face. I heard rumors that Oscar Isaac was in possession of the Millennium Falcon. May still be true but here he’s flying with a group of X-Wings in formation #75 C. Okay, I don’t know the formation mumbo jumbo. But I’m going to guess this is near the climax of the film.

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I’m assuming this shot of the villain (Adam Driver, perhaps?) with the cross-guard lightsaber will also take place during the climax of the film. I only say that because the snowy forest area looks similar to the surrounding of the X-Wings that fly over the lake in the previous images. I know this new lightsaber has gotten lots of flack for being unpractical but at the end of the day it’s a fucking laser sword.

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The teaser would have been more than satisfactory with those out of context hints. And then it happened. John Williams iconic theme pumped to the max with the Millennium Falcon out-maneuvering a few tie-fighters. That’s how you end a teaser. That teaser alone was enough to cleanse my palate of the prequel disasters. We don’t have enough to go on whether or not these characters will be worthy successors to the original trilogy crew. But with JJ at the helm with a great cast, it’ll take a special type of hell to make this new film anywhere near as bad as the prequels.

As for that voice over, Benedict Cumberbatch is no longer involved in this movie.

According to HitFix , that’s Andy Serkis.

 

Photos:  Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures