They’re doing it. They’re really doing it. They’re really trying to run Spider-Man into the ground. That’s the only logical explanation for all the different ideas that have been rumored or tossed around for a Spider-Man universe. All this talk of Venom spinoffs, a possible female lead spider team up movie, nothing could have prepared us for Sony’s craziest, and stupidest, move yet: an Aunt May movie. Not just any Aunt movie – because her part in the rebooted franchise is as substantial as Frodo’s cameo in the first Hobbit movie – but according to Latino Review, this movie will explore the origins of Aunt May before her time watching over Peter with Ben Parker. Here’s what Latino Review had to say:

Yes, an Aunt May movie. A movie about Aunt May as a youth, before she was shouldered with the responsibility of raising Peter Parker. The target mood is some sort of espionage story in the vein of AMC’s Mad Men, which sounds like a way of saying “classier Agent Carter” without name-dropping Marvel’s upcoming series.

That’s right, the next idea for a Spider-Man spinoff might not even take place in the same time period as the modern Spider-Man and might n0t even feature the character of Spider-Man. The plan to save Spider-Man might not involve Spider-Man. That’s like trying to save someone from a burning building by blowing up the building.

I’ve been harsh on the rebooted franchise, mostly because they’re not good, but I do want the best for our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. If this crappy franchise is allowed to continue, that means even more people will complain about the superhero genre saturating the market. This is all purely speculative but I’ve come to the conclusion that these movies aren’t even going to happen. When you have the hand-eye coordination of a sloth on Adderall, you’re not going to get much done. Sony has been all talk and no walk when it comes to Spider-Man projects for YEARS. We’ve heard rumors of a Venom spinoff ever since Raimi’s Spider-Man 3 was released. Seven years and a rebooted franchise later, there’s been no progress. So as hilariously depressing as this sounds (and it is quite sad to see the most likable superhero become a corporate tool), we probably won’t need to worry about this ever happening.

On the flip side of that, if these spinoffs do get off the ground, we should be afraid of what Sony intends to use Spider-Man for. No organization can be this ignorant in their poor decision process. It’s quite obvious, Sony intends to burn the Spider-Man brand name for audiences everywhere. If they can’t have him, nobody can.

Damn you, Sony pictures. Damn you all to hell.

"I was Gidget and the f***ing Flying Nun"

“I was Gidget and the f***ing Flying Nun”