So it’s Halloween night, and you’ve found yourself the last person standing. Your friends are dead in a variety of creative ways. Your phone has no signal. You’re just far enough off the highway to have no chance of finding help, and some sort of monster is trying to kill you. How do you survive? Today, we’re going to work out how to survive a horror movie. How do you stay one step ahead of a large man with a chainsaw, or some crazy-ass doll, or Count Dracula? Let’s break it down:
Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers
Large, strong, seemingly unkillable, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are the antagonists of the equally unkillable Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises. They are the archetypal blunt objects that can be shot, stabbed, immolated, run over, squashed, and frozen, but will still come back for more. So how do you kill them? It’s easy: You destroy the entire Earth in a rain of unholy nuclear fire. Scorch the Earth, leaving no living creature alive. Then, and only then, will they be dead. Or will they?
This one is less extreme than the above. The trick is simply to stay awake. Drink lots of caffeine, take some adderall, and when your eyelids begin to droop simply inject your heart with pure adrenaline. Don’t have any adrenaline on hand? Don’t worry. It can be harvested from the adrenal glands of your enemies. Or friends. Or students. Now, sit down, class, as I’m not finished yet, and the doors are all locked.
He’s a toy. Kick him down a well or something. Twist his head off. Melt his plastic body. I feel like this one is easy.
Kick him in the nards, then shoot him with a silver bullet. And then kick him in the nards again.
Stake through the heart, and nards kick.
The popular theory is that the best way to kill Kong is with beauty. This is a misconception. Imagine it’s the third Sunday of the month and you’re at your usual monkey killing club. How do you kill them? With beauty? Of course not. You use bullets or a baseball bat.
Kill him with kindness. Or a cannon. Or emotionally manipulate him to be your pet and make him destroy your enemies.
Marinate, cook, and eat yourself. No point delaying the inevitable. He always wins.
Regan from The Exorcist
Regain your faith and then kill yourself. Not an ideal plan, but if it works, it works.
The Writer of This Article
Cannot be stopped. Don’t even try.
Featured Image: Compass International Pictures