Rules, Introductions, etc.
Seriously, pay attention.
Round 1 Results
Round 2 – Fight!
I. (1) Hercules (The Rock) v. (9) Perseus
The Fight: So, in yesterday’s opening round, I praised The Rock’s stunning beard for its surprising effectiveness. Turns out: that isn’t a beard, it’s a merkin made of yak pubes. Upon reading this, I felt so betrayed that I considered calling this one an upset in revenge. And then I put those two pictures together. Yak ball hair or not, this just isn’t a fair fight. Look at Perseus’ frail arms and pouty lips. Maybe if the fight was decided by who could make a better Axe shampoo commercial. But alas, even then…
Conclusion: The newest Hercules moves on, without yet having been given a contest.
J. (13) Ben-Hur v. (5) Achilles
The Fight: The clash of the bitter, bitchy badasses. A couple of stubborn scorned characters with immeasurable chips on their shoulders. By characterization, these two would fight each other to a bloody pulp, rabid and tearing. So I’m just going to air my bias out here. I love me some Brad Pitt and I was raised not to speak ill of the dead so… I’ll just say… Charlton Heston was an asshole. Heston was mean in a way that would serve him well in this tournament, and Ben-Hur the movie character certainly possessed some of that. But, favoritism tells me that Brad Pitt’s chiseled biceps, his ferocious fearlessness, and a nice pair of boots would be enough to ensure victory.
Conclusion: This would be ferocious fight, but I can’t be objective. Achilles prevails.
K. (2) Hercules (Reeves) v. (7) Maximus
The Fight: Reeves is a specimen. If you mixed the DNA of the Marlboro Man, Clint Eastwood, a Wild Stallion, the Dos Equis guy, and a vintage 1970s Harley Davidson, you might get a man as manly as Steve Reeves. And I’ll bet that beard has 0% animal pubes. But you know who else was inhumanly manly? Gladiators (the Roman variety, not the slick haired early 90s gameshow version). And Maximus kills about a hundred of those in the course of Ridley Scott’s Academy Award winning film. The manliest of his opponents he killed with a tiger crawling up his back.
Conclusion: Maximus doesn’t lose until he’s ready to head toward the flare lens at the end of the tunnel.
L. (3) Hercules (Arnold) v. (6) Thor
The Fight: Physically, if we’re being realistic, Arnie’s Hercules has every advantage here. Hemsworth is a big dude with a booming, panty-soaking voice, but Arnold, in real life, especially at that age, was a freak of freaking nature. Hercules in New York isn’t concerned with mythology or even movie-making. The film was just an excuse to film Schwarzenegger being shirtless Schwarzenegger, a cinematic exhibition to instill awe in overweight, well-fed American audiences. Most fights, this Hercules could win with bouncing his pectorals in mesmerizing fashion whilst squeezing the head of his opponent until it popped open like an egg. But, there’s something about the way he delivers his lines like someone being taught to read. Or the way he holds his position as if some stagehand has to move him from spot to spot (the term “Key Grip” originated on the set of Hercules in New York, it’s what they called the guy who operated the moving dolly that transported Arnold from spot to spot. True story, you’re welcome). There’s an element of wit and strategy at play in this tournament, and, in the end, I think young Arnold might be dumb enough to try to catch the hammer.
Conclusion: A miscalculation leaves us with one Hercules left for the Semi-Final Round.
A single Hercules left standing, three heads of beautiful flowing hair, and the last participant from the Christian Conference fizzles out in round two. Keep me honest in the poll. Here’s what we’re left with: