Introduction, Rules, Etc.
Covered that yesterday. Keep up, you silly mortals.
And here we have the seeded matchups of our 16-contestant tourney.
Round One – FIGHT
A. (1) Hercules (The Rock) vs. (16) Noah
The Fight: Oh, if only it were a Crowe from another movie. But here, this older, more rotund version of the reliable epic actor is going up against The Rock’s exquisite stare, The Rock’s surprisingly sleek Greek/Samoan beard, The Rock’s statuesque figure. Portly Russell looks like the fifth replacement singer of a hopelessly washed up Drowning Pool. He may have the breath of the Christian God to blow his ark to safety through the torrential flood, but Noah is about to face a hurricane of whoop-ass unlike anything Aronofsky set sailing in his direction.
Conclusion: The sixteen seed never pulls off the upset. And Hercules is smashing that silly boat to splinters, for good measure.
B. (8) Beowulf vs. (9) Perseus
The Fight: Our middle match up pairs a couple of sharp-minded monster slayers. There seems to be a physical mismatch here, but spectators are stunned by pretty Perseus’ agility, cunning, and dexterity, while a screaming Beowulf might wear out quickly. This will be a battle of wit vs. exhaustion.
Conclusion: Where Beowulf struggled with Grendel and his mommy, Perseus escaped danger from much more formidable opponents. Persues wins a long battle.
C. (4) Hercules (Disney) vs. (12) Ben-Hur
Fight: If anyone was mean-spirited enough to tear apart a smiling Disney cartoon, it’s the guy who brought NRA fundraisers to the doorstep of shooting victims. Being animated does you no favors against a young, searing, jacked-up Charlton Heston.
Conclusion: Ben-Hur uses that chip on his shoulder to will himself to potentially the biggest upset of our tournament (at least in terms of seeding).
D. (5) Achilles vs. (12) Samson
Fight: The most noteworthy observation to be made at the weigh-in for this fight is that Samson doesn’t even have the best hair of the two contestants. And if Delilah will betray him for a few Philistines, imagine what will happen when she shows up on the arm of the buffest Brad Pitt to ever take the screen.
Conclusion: Achilles has all it takes to make a deep run if he can hide one secret, and a toughman with not one, but two weaknesses isn’t the guy to knock him off track. Achilles prevails, and he’s hungry to get his hands on the more divine blood in the tournament.
E. (2) Hercules (Steve Reeves) vs. (15) Jason
The Fight: A little trivia about Steve Reeves, the first Herculean screen presence: Reeves would go on to turn down the roles of James Bond and The Man with No Name, a trinity of roles that would have etched him in history as the baddest mother to ever walk the planet. A little trivia about Jason from Jason & The Argonauts: He was obsessed with finding a sheep.
Conclusion: Hercules wins handily.
F. (7) Maximus vs. (10) Leonidas
The Fight: Let’s be honest. This is the one we all want tickets for. This has the full potential to be the best fight of the first round and maybe even the entire tournament. While Maximus has the possessed certainty, Leonidas has the fierce intensity. Maximus is a man of tactical genius, Leonidas a muscular monster. Where Maximus can bring a crowd to its feet with his reluctant showmanship, Leonidas can quiet a country of women with his banana thong. And let’s talk about the pre-fight, because these might be the two most chilling trash talkers in the history of mythological film-making. Just as Maximus is wrapping up his reserved introduction and his asserted commitment to vengeance for his dead family, Leonidas lifts his foot to announce his geographical place with a swift chest kick and all hell breaks loose.
Conclusion: I think this grueling battle comes down to motivation. Maximus, driven by a tornado of fury and despair, has no problem dispatching a king, even if it takes his dying breath. Tonight, Leonidas dines in hell.
G. (3) Hercules (Arnold) vs. (14) Orpheus
The Fight: This isn’t fair. Throw in the towel now. This on is ugly. Orpheus, by definition of his story, qualifies for the tournament, and this modern Hercules isn’t the kind of guy who appreciates poetry and song. That’s evident in the naked stupidity of his film (Hercules in New York).
Conclusion: You know how those old cartoons would show oversized bullies twisting their victims into human pretzels? Yeah… A third Hercules moves on.
H. (6) Thor vs. (11) Bailian
The Fight: Imagine being the referee who tells Thor he can’t use his hammer. I ain’t doing it! Bailian is a spry little bastard, just and devout, but Thor is Thor. And the hammer he swings weighs as much as an ocean.
Conclusion: Bailian’s crusade is diverted into Kingdom Come. An easy win for a dangerous contender.
Unhappy with the outcomes? Did your favorite hero fall too soon? Continue to cast your vote in the poll below. In the meantime, let’s take a look at how things shape up for tomorrow’s second round.