Overview: In a Summer Movie Season full of classic blockbusters in-the-making, Age of Extinction stands out… because of how fucking awful it is. Paramount Pictures 2014; Rated PG-13; 165 minutes

Less Than Meets the Eye: Upon entering the theater to watch the fourth Transformers movie (I still can’t believe there are four of these fuckers) I thought to myself, “At least it won’t be as bad as Revenge of the Fallen.” And that really just goes to show that I am almost as stupid as Michael Bay needs me to be. An hour into the movie I thought “Oh my god. This might be as bad as Revenge of the Fallen.”

Mark Wahlberg is wasted in another Michael Bay movie as Cade Yaeger (Actual character name not from anime or Pacific Rim) a down on his luck inventor from Texas, with a Boston accent, who loves to remind us (In his Boston accent) that we shouldn’t mess with people from Texas. He gets to shoot a big alien gun and actually partakes in action scenes so the human characters aren’t entirely useless. Just unnecessary. TJ Miller and Stanley Tucci have some enjoyable bits but they’re both stuck in the confines of Michael Bay-isms.

Right around the point where an Irish race-car driver is revealed to be dating a 17 year old girl, I tuned out from any emotional connection the movie attempted to bring to me. In true Bay fashion, every woman in the movie is treated like a sex object. Even the underage character (The actress is 19 but it’s still a questionable plot point at best). The camera fetishes their every motion. It makes Victoria Secret commercials look subtle. The cars are also shot in the same fashion as the women. Really makes you wonder…

American flags, attractive women, and over-saturated colors: The staple of any Michael Bay movie

American flags, attractive women, and over-saturated colors: The staple of any Michael Bay movie

It’s all so lazy and sloppy that even the action is half-assed. These are giant alien-robots. We should be cheering during these fight scenes, not trying to comprehend what the hell is happening onscreen. Then you have the Dinobots coming in at the last twenty minutes of the movie (they look like dinosaurs because of reasons) Then we get a scene where Optimus Prime tells the Dinobots they’re free but but he quickly beats them into submission to fight for him. This happens in the span of 5 minutes.

And this movie is long. Really, really long. I checked my phone at the twenty minute mark thinking I was an hour in. Age of Extinction made me physically uncomfortable for almost 3 hours.

I should be excited about something like this. But I'm not.

I should be excited about something like this. But I’m not.

Final Thoughts: If there’s any saving grace, it looks like even the general populace is wisening up to this series being a giant piece of shit. I consider myself a religious man but I will never understand how a God or some higher power would allow this abomination to be labeled a “Movie.” Age of Extinction aged me by five years and turned me into an alcoholic.

Grade: F-